As I age

I'm approaching 35 in a few months and some fun new things apparently come along with aging that they sure don't go over with you in health class.  First off, my new party trick is when I cough 2 out of 5 times I pee myself a little.  What the hell is with that?  Does this mean I'm going to be sporting adult diapers by the time I'm 40?  I'm really not sure I can handle that.  I was looking at my hands the other day and noticing that my skin is not looking as smooth as it used too.  It's starting to take on this grainy transparent look that has got me a little worried.  Oh and don't even get me started on the acne.  OK what the FUCK ladies?  I feel as though I'm going through puberty again breaking out in places I didn't even break out in when I was a kid.  And last but not least, the facial hair.  I'm a fucking chick!  What in the hell is going on.  Why wasn't I told of this happening?  You see the commercials for waxing and whatnot's, but really don't think its that big of an issue unless your Greek (no offense) or have a serious gland problem.  OK OK, I'm Italian, I should have seen this coming.  But I didn't.  So now I have to damn near pluck everything in sight every damn day.  Long story short, I'm saving for laser hair removal, and getting old blows!